Our First Month as Foster Parents

I struggled with how to begin this blog post. How do I even begin to describe the whirlwind of life-changing events that was the last thirty days? Being first-time parents and foster parents has been a dream come true and overwhelming at the same time. It has involved all the emotions, struggles, and triumphs of being a first-time parent with the added stress of meeting the demands of foster care.

The Takeaway

I would have to say what I have learned the most from my first month as a foster parent is that the stress of foster care doesn’t come from actually taking care of the children. It’s not the crying, or the sleep deprivation, or the fact that I sometimes have nothing clean to wear and I haven’t taken a shower in three days–though those things pose their own challenges. The stress and the ‘negative’ that is the dark cloud hovering over foster care stems from meeting the demands of the actual foster care ‘system’.

Baby E

In the first month of Baby E’s life, she went to four doctors visits, four visitations with her bio parents, one visit from her lawyer, a court hearing (she did not attend), two visits from our agency, and a home visit from her CPS case worker. That is so so much to do for a regular adult–much less an infant. It’s taxing on her and it’s taxing on us–not that we are complaining. Our agency properly prepared us for what was ahead and it is a responsibility we gladly accept. It is hard to watch her struggle with such a demanding schedule, and though there is only so much that an infant can take, it doesn’t matter if she is having a rough day or if it would probably be in her best interest to stay at home and rest, she is obligated by the state to be at whatever visit or appointment they say she has to be.

I’ve also learned that is doesn’t matter what age a child is when they come into foster care, they ALL struggle to cope. I can only imagine how much harder it is for children who are old enough to understand what is happening around them. For Baby E, we all hope this is just a blip in her life–no matter what the outcome–and that she never remembers any of her foster care experience. On the other hand, just because she will most likely not remember, she still experiences the effects of going through the process of foster care. It doesn’t exempt her from how hard it is.

If I could get each person reading this post to come to the CPS office just one time with me and you could see the brokenness, the darkness, the sadness, and the hopelessness of that place, you would all be lining up to be foster parents. Not to mention, it is physically one of the filthiest places I have darkened the doorway of in my life–and I have been on mission trips to impoverished countries where people were grateful to have cardboard boxes to live in. Dropping Baby E off at the visitation office is the most gut-wrenching, stress-inducing, heartbreaking experience. I’m not going to sugar coat it for anyone. It is miserable. I’m not allowed to stay during the visit so I have to occupy myself for two hours until she can be picked up again–and we do this once every week. It is important for her to see her bio parents every week and I know this.  But, it doesn’t make it any easier on me to hand her to CPS and walk away. Each time, I have to remind myself that this is not about me and that no matter how afraid I am, God is in control. Sam and I are here to help Baby E because she needs someone to help her. If she didn’t have us, who else would be able to take care of her?

There are hundreds of kids who come into foster care every month just like Baby E. It is not some far-off distant imaginary thing that happens to someone else. Can you see how much these kids need you to help them? If Sam and I hadn’t decided to be foster parents, who would Baby E have right now? If not us, then who? It just breaks my heart to know how many children right this minute–not tomorrow, not ten years from now–have no one. Are you hearing me? They have NO ONE to be there for them. And guess what? That doesn’t mean that they still don’t have to do EVERY. SINGLE. THING. Baby E is having to do. Are you hearing me? These kids still have to go to every visitation, every court hearing (children four years and up have to attend hearings), every CPS visit, and every doctor appointment on their own. ON. THEIR. OWN. Are you hearing me? There is not one excuse for why every person reading this is not involved directly with a child in foster care. If you’re a Christian, then you really have no excuse. James 1: 27.

As the Foster Parents

I would say for us the struggle has been watching Baby E cope with her situation. She is a really easy baby with a sweet disposition and is not really prone to crying or fussing. And in the beginning, when she would come back from visitation, it was like they handed me a totally different child. She was a total emotional wreck when she would come home from visitation. Hours of crying and whimpering and needing to be held constantly. Constantly. Once I could get her calmed and soothed, she would be OK until I would try to lay her in her bassinet so she could get some rest or so I could go to the bathroom. Instantly emotional eruption. She would cry so hard all day long that she would make herself hoarse. The first month, I was the only one at home with her after a visitation and I was really just winging it on my own. A few weeks ago, Sam was able to be home with me on a visitation day and he was really blown away by how rough it is on her. It is rough for many reasons and thankfully it is getting better as we have figured out how to help her transition, but is it still something no child should have to deal with on her own.

Sam and I have had to learn how to manage her schedule in a way that takes some of the burden of this whole process off her too. She is definitely the victim of her circumstances and even though she didn’t put herself in foster care, she still has to abide by all the state rules and do as she is told. So, we have learned that there are just certain pre-visitation and post-visitation activities that we do or do not do. This has helped to reduce a lot of stress for her and us. We are learning there are just certain things that trigger her and certain things that soothe her.

I have also learned that our agency is an invaluable resource and support. I have no idea how anyone is fostering without the help of an agency. I really don’t. They have really guided us and helped in ways that I never could have anticipated. To me this is such a big deal I’ve written an entire blog post dedicated to this topic. If you are considering becoming a foster parent please, please, please find a great agency. Your experience will be so much better. I promise.

People’s reactions to Sam and my new life has been quite educational. People have one of two very distinct reactions–they either think what we are doing is amazing and inspirational and they are in turn very supportive, or they are very negative and distrustful of our decision. For example, the supportive person uses words like, what a blessing, thank you, I’ve always wanted to know more, how can I help, I’m so glad you can help Baby E. The negative person uses words like, I don’t know how you do it, don’t get too close, it is probably not going to work out, foster care is such a broken system, I have a friend (usually quite distant and removed and this person is truly ignorant and has no first-hand knowledge of the actual foster child or their situation) and it was a nightmare for them, just don’t get your hopes up.

Surprisingly, I haven’t been upset, but rather enlightened, by people’s opinions. And it’s very telling about what kind of person I’m dealing with. The person that uses supportive words unconsciously tells me that they look at foster care from a selfless place seeing the needs of others before themselves. The person who uses negative words unconsciously tells me how selfish they are. Foster care is about them and what they can get out of it. If it is too hard, or painful, and not all about them in the end, they have nothing positive to say.  So just know that I know who really supports Baby E and what Sam and I are trying to do, and who doesn’t as soon as they open your mouth.

And even after all the hard stuff I just shared–and I have just mentioned a lot of hard things–we have gotten to take care of Baby E and that has made it ALL worth it. Seriously. It is worth it. Sam and I get to take care of this precious sweet child who God knew before she was born and called her by name. We have already made so many wonderful memories with her. So many wonderful memories! And, it feels good knowing that I am making a positive life-changing impact on another person’s life, and in turn, on the world.

Foster care has also been a balm to my mama soul because it has allowed me to be a mother–despite all the hardships. I feel better now than I have in several years. I’m in the middle of writing a big blog post about this topic because I want people–especially women–to know how being a foster mom has changed me and empowered me and given life to my bones. I want you to know my experiences. So more coming on that soon!

I’m excited to see what the next month holds. Baby E is growing like a weed and is the sweetest, cutest little girl ever! If you would like to know exactly how to become a foster parent,this blog post has everything you need to know. If you missed her latest hearing update, you can find ithere.

Maegan

Baby E’s First Court Hearing

I know this update is a little overdue. Thank you for bearing with me as I navigate motherhood and foster care at the same time. OK, on to the good stuff.

Last Friday Baby E had her first court hearing and though I cannot go into great detail I will share what I can. Every child in foster care has a standard court hearing two weeks after entering the care of CPS. The night before her hearing her lawyer came by the house to meet Baby E and introduce herself to us. I’m glad we get to meet her lawyer and that she gets to meet us too. Part of her lawyer coming by the house is to meet the child but also to have a first hand account of her in her foster care environment as she will have to report what she sees to the judge at each hearing. We were surprised and relieved to find out Baby E is not allowed to attend any hearings because she is so young and her attendance is too distracting for the bio-parents though older children do have to attend court hearings. Baby E has also been fortunate enough to have a CASA(Court Appointed Special Advocate) Volunteer assigned to her case who also appears at every hearing and acts as an advocate on her behalf. We could not be more excited about this! Not every child in foster care is fortunate enough to have a CASA Volunteer, so Sam and I are so grateful that Baby E is going to have the benefits of that extra support in her life!

We decided that Sam would go to this court hearing since the bio-parents have never met him or seen him. This turned out to be a wise decision as he was informed once he arrived that they did not want him meeting the bio-parents and that it was best they not know he was there. He did glean some information while at the hearing but we really learned more once the CPS investigator called us later that evening. I will preface with there are no definites in foster care until the judge makes his or her decision at the final hearing. We have our hopes and best interests always at the forefront for Baby E and we want what is ultimately best for her. That being said, it looks like at this time, unless something changes Baby E will be in our care for a while.

We are so humbled and honored that we get to be Baby E’s foster parents and walk the road of foster care with her. I’m also so so glad that she has a lot of people in her corner fighting for her best interests–and I’m not just talking about her lawyer, her CPS case worker, or her CASA Volunteer. I’m also talking about all our friends and family praying for her everyday and for our church family embracing her with open arms. We have had such an outpouring of love and support from so many people and I’m proud that Baby E has so many people who already love her and are praying God’s will for her life.

So as always we are just taking it day by day trusting God. I hear people say so often, “I don’t know how you handle all the unknowns. That must be so hard.” And it is. It’s extremely hard. But I trust that God did not lead us down this path and light our way for everything to end in misery. That’s not the God I serve. I am trusting and believing that God actual has–ya know–a plan, and that we are not just hurtling through our lives on a kamikaze mission of chaos. God has a plan for us and God has a plan for Baby E, and the Bible says his plans are Good.

As always thank you to everyone for your prayers. Keep them coming!

Maegan

Waiting

So, it’s been six days since we were placed on the vacancy list with our foster-care agency and we are still waiting on that phone call. Seriously. When we found out Thursday that we were officially on the vacancy list I freaked out a little and cried. I think it was just my being completely overwhelmed with the whole situation and also overjoyed at finally reaching a huge milestone after everything we have been through. It was a ‘nervous–cited’ cry. lol.

The next couple of days were the worst because every time the phone rang or pinged or chimed we both jumped like two feet. I’ve been constantly glued to my phone because I’m the contact person and I’ve been so worried I will miss that very important phone call. It’s important because if we don’t answer they immediately hangup and call the next family on the list. These kids need home like yesterday and they don’t have the luxury of waiting for you to call them back. After those first couple of days we have kind of gotten into a rhythm of keeping busy and waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. We are getting good practice at patience.

While we are waiting I thought I would kind of introduce our placement and answer some questions about what we do know about them. I shared our story here but I haven’t shared what we do know about our future placement.

These are some of the most frequent questions we get asked when people find out we are fostering to adopt:

How many children will you be fostering? 

One child at a time

What age will they be?

Newborn to Eighteen Months

Will you know the gender?

No.

Do you know what ethnicity the child will be?*

No.

*Sam and I honestly had no preferences about race or gender and that worked out great for us because specifying either of those in the state of Texas is not an option for infants.

Will the child have his clothes and toys from home?

No. Most children, if not all, come into foster care with nothing but the clothes they have on–and in our case that might be a diaper and nothing else. No clothes, toys, memorabilia, diapers, formula, wipes, bottles, pacifiers, blankets, car seats, bouncers, strollers, swaddles, nothing. none, zip, zero. They might have never had any of the things on this short list of items.

Will you know a lot about the child’s past, bio parents, family?

No. We will probably know very little about the child when they first come to us. A name, an estimated age, gender, race–that’s probably it since they will be so young and there’s nothing to add like what grade they are in, their favorite school subject, things like that. Bio parents information and the child’s past situation is not something by law we can know much about. And what we do know we cannot share with anyone because it’s against the law and violates the parent’s and child’s rights of privacy.

Will you be able to adopt your first placement?

There is no guarantee we will be able to adopt any placement we receive. It just depends on how everything plays out and that will take a while to figure out. It’s all in God’s hands.

How long will you have your first placement?

We don’t know. Maybe a couple of weeks? Maybe a few months or a year? Maybe forever! Each placement’s situation is unique and completely unpredictable. We will trust God and cherish each day we get to love and cuddle and spoil them.

Will they be adorable, perfect, squeezable, and basically the best baby ever?

YES! YES! YES! AND OF COURSE!!!!!! This we do know for sure!

I do want to touch on how the age and gender of placements is decided for each family because I think it’s pertinent. A lot of people think you get to choose the age/number/gender of children when you become licensed foster parents but this is an ignorant misconception–one that often sets people who desire to be foster parents up for disappointment. In almost every case you do not get to choose what age of child or gender of child you will be able to foster. There are actually several key factors and a complicated mathematical equation that determines those specifics. And those specifics are set in place by the State. Factors like available space in your home, number of licensed foster parents in the home, number of biological children in the home–their age and gender, foster parents working/not working or working from home, and what county a person lives in all play a role in what age and gender of children you will be eligible to foster.

For instance, because Sam and I live in a one bedroom town-home we can only legally foster children that can sleep in our bedroom. The state of Texas says that children who can sleep in our bedroom must be 3 and under. Because the foster and adoption process can take a year a to a year and half or longer to complete that means the child can be no more than eighteen months at the time of placement with us before they age out of our room. I stay at home full-time, we have no  biological children, and we also happen to live in a county that has an urgent need for EVERY age group. Because of these factors we happened to be good candidates to foster infants.

That’s the latest update and a little about our expected first placement. Please pray for us to have patience as we wait for that special phone call. We appreciate prayers so much!!

Maegan

Nesting and a Merry Christmas

I have a lot on my heart lately. It’s the Christmas season, our official licensing appointment is happening tomorrow(WHOOHOO!!!), and of course in the middle of all of it we are busy preparing to bring a foster child into our hearts and home. My heart has felt so full at times it seemed it might burst.

Several weeks ago as we approached our home study and and now more so since we found out our home study was approved I have had the inexplicable urgent need to nest. Amid the tinsel and twinkling lights I have been fluffing and rearranging our little nest. I realize I’m not about to have a biological child but the maternal instincts are kicking in nonetheless. It’s so weird and wonderful and beautiful to have those maternal instincts fluttering about my heart and soul. I can’t begin to explain the happiness and joy at knowing we will soon have a placement–a placement we might not have for very long–but a child all the same. I’ve found myself wondering what our placements face will look like and excitement at getting to finally meet them after all this time. I keep telling myself and reminding myself, and repeating to myself over and over again that it’s important to be realistic about the attachments I form with this child–and I am–but the nesting feelings persist. I don’t know how my heart will be able to tell the difference as I introduce this child as “my child” every time we meet someone new. God’s just going to have to make a way for me.

I feel as if nothing is properly ready–though I am as prepared as my situation will allow me to be. Since I will not know the age or sex of our placement there are so many things that I cannot purchase yet. SO-MANY-THINGS. We are installing the final piece of “nursery” furniture in our bedroom this weekend–the shelves above the changing table–and I’m sure once that gets done I will feel somewhat better. I plan on giving the house a final thorough cleaning from top to bottom after we sign our licensing paperwork and put Christmas away. I usually leave it all out until after New Years but with a new baby on the horizon I thought it best not to be caught with Christmas pajama pants down. Ah-hem.

The strangest, most terrifying development as of late is the sudden fear that rips through  me when I think I’ve “left” or “forgotten” our placement. I find myself bolting upright in bed as I’m about to drift to sleep because I’m afraid I’ve forgotten the baby in the car. This seems to be happening more frequently and it’s not just while I’m falling asleep–it’s while I’m washing the dishes, or driving away from the gas station or running errands. All the sudden I’ll have this fear I’ve left my child at the house and driven away, or on top of my car as I leave the gas station, or in the cart at the grocery store. This is probably the weirdest of all the ‘feelings’ I’ve been having lately. We don’t even have a placement! How could I forget a child that is not here? It’s the weirdest, strangest, most bizarre sensation. Every time I think I’ve left my child somewhere I feel like a few months have been shaved off my life. My heart palpitates, I get short of breath, time stops–in short, it’s a horrifying feeling.

I have also spent a lot of time praying for our first placement–though not near as much as I should. When I find myself thinking about them I say a quick prayer that God is keeping them safe and I pray for their parent/parents. I pray that they would get the help they need to be the parents their children deserve them to be and that they would come to come to know the unshakable love of Jesus. The circumstances that surround the child in foster care and their parents is so very complicated and delicate. I don’t want to become callous or bitter as we walk this foster care road with our placement. I pray a lot that God will help me always see this situation from his perspective–with love, grace, and mercy–and to remain tender and kind. It’s been a bit of a challenge to know how to pray about this situation and I think if there is enough interest I will dedicate a full blog post to how I’ve approached this subject in prayer–rather clumsily I might add, but with fullest sincerity. I’ve been in such need of it myself that I’m eager to share my methods in the hope that someone else will share theirs with me! If anyone knows of a solid devotion for foster parents please, please, please, leave info about it in the comments. Foster care bible studies for parents have been hard to come by–I haven’t found a single one.

So yeah, a lot of feelings and things on my heart. I’m still reeling from the fact that TOMORROW we will be licensed foster parents. It’s so surreal and the most perfect Christmas present. the. most. perfect. gift. ever.

I hope you had the most wonderful Christmas spent with Jesus and family in your hearts, and love, peace, and joy for the world.

Love, Maegan

Our Road to Foster Care

Lemon Scottie Foster Care Journey Maegan Johnson 7*This is a really long post, so grab a cup of coffee or tea and possibly a snack before you get started! 

Our story starts with a six month, black Scottie dog named Lemon and a miscarriage. I know, not the sun-shiniest of beginnings but I find that the stories really worth reading are the ones that begin in the darkness–because that’s where Jesus meets us.

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In the Spring of 2016 our precious dog Zeus passed away from a very aggressive form of lung cancer. He had been a part of our family for over nine years and he was practically like our child. The same day I found out Zeus had cancer my parents called me asking if I was interested in a cute puppy who needed a home. I was really drawn to this dog and her story so we said yes only to have Zeus pass before they ever met. I was less enthused when I found out she had lived the first six months of her life neglected and mistreated. I new she would have a lot of issues that we would have to work through and I wasn’t really up for helping someone else out with their issues when I had my own. Don’t get me wrong she was super cute(she still is) and she seemed to have a very sweet demeanor but that’s where the list of her positive attributes ended.

Zeus Schnauzer Foster Care Journey Maegan Johnson 1

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But, after a lot of prayer Sam and I decided we would bring her into our family despite the troubles she might have because we really did want another dog and felt she was the puppy for us. Within 24 hours of her being in our home it became very clear to us she had a lot of issues. I think the best description I could give of her would be, ‘adorable, unwanted, no good, shifty terrier’.

She didn’t even answer to her original name and ran away when you called her–that’s when we decided to rename her Lemon. She had zero communication skills. She had no inclination to bond with us–like none, zero, zip, nada. She had no sense of belonging and she would literally go home with anyone. Ironically, she was afraid of a lot things too. She was afraid to walk through doorways which made going in and out of the house to potty an ordeal. She was NOT potty trained. She never even made noise–not while playing, not crying in her kennel, not ever. This made us really sad because this was undeniable evidence she was really neglected. She was super sneaky and was excellent about going behind our backs to do things she knew not to do. And she was the most manipulative little thing ever. She would play Sam and I’s emotions against each other by denying the person who wanted her attention and giving it other person. I have never ever seen a dog do that before. It was so blatant and completely baffling. She hated her kennel and would run and hide every time we tried to get her to go into it. She wanted to play but she didn’t want to be held, or pet, or touched–she would tolerate physical touch. She really didn’t even have a personality–mostly she just exuded learned bad behavior. She was an adorable, unwanted, no good, shifty terrier. She really was.

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She did like to ride in the car though, and she would let you hold her if you were in the car. But then she would throw up so . . . yeah.

I was an emotional wreck and beyond frustrated with Lemon. I needed another puppy to love and snuggle this hot little mess. I would lament my puppy parenting woes to my friends only to receive looks of confusion or polite indifference. No one seemed to understand the behavioral issues we were experiencing or really get why I was so upset about it all the time. I also felt constantly guilty because I was having to correct or redirect her bad behavior and I couldn’t let her get away with anything. Any mom–or dad out there for that matter–who has that child that just-wont-give-up-pushing-that-boundary-line knows what I’m talking about. It was absolutely maddening and heartbreaking. I couldn’t let her get away with things the way I had Zeus when he was her age because if I gave an inch it would undo everything we were trying to teach her. Things like using the bathroom outside, not chewing on my couch, staying out of the trash, not jumping on every single person or dog we saw, etc–just simple house rules.

Lemon Scottie Foster Care Journey Maegan Johnson 5

After a while of trying to figure it out on our own and failing miserably, we enrolled her in a dog training course at Petsmart at the beginning of the summer. Immediately we began seeing improvements. She learned how to communicate with us and vice versa. And we learned what was fueling her bad behaviors; like where they were coming from(her trauma) and what was behind them(fear, mistrust, frustration). Within the first week her demeanor and communication skills improved drastically and she seemed much less resentful. Everything got better on all sides, but she still did not want to be held or to bond with us and this was really hard for me to accept.

Zeus Schnauzer Foster Care Journey Maegan Johnson 3

Zeus Schnauzer Foster Care Journey Maegan Johnson 2

I was still so sad about Zeus and it didn’t help that he had been the snuggliest, cuddle-buddy ever. It was really hard for me not to compare them constantly and pick out all her flaws. He was the perfect dog and she was so broken. How could I ever feel love for another dog like I did Zeus? I prayed about prayed for months asking God why he had given me this dog and what I was supposed to do with our very one sided relationship. After a long while I made peace with the fact that she might not ever be a loving, snuggly dog. I also realized that our lack of bond could be coming from me wanting her to be someone she could never be and that I needed to accept her for who she was. That was so so hard.

Soon after this Sam and I would get pregnant and three months later at the beginning of October 2016 we miscarried with our first and only baby due to me having an outbreak of shingles. We had just celebrated our ninth anniversary and my thirtieth birthday. I don’t really think there is any way for me to adequately describe to you the heart-break, the devastation, the hopelessness that Sam and I both experienced. We had been waiting nine years for nothing it seemed. Sam and I have never officially received an infertility diagnosis but for some reason we have a hard time getting pregnant. We got pregnant on our own so there is really no explainable reason why it took so long for us to conceive the first time and why we have not conceived again. The loss of our child was equally baffling. It’s extremely rare for a twenty-nine year old, pregnant woman to have a shingles outbreak. There was just so much unexplained pain and heartache. After all that, I just didn’t expect much from anyone or anything anymore–the very least from Lemon.

But the Lord had other plans. A few weeks after our miscarriage I was standing at the kitchen table going through the mail when I felt this tiny wet nose bump the back of my leg. Truthfully, it startled me. Our trainer had informed us to be on the lookout for signs that Lemon was bonding with us, but I had let all hope of that go months before. Apparently, dogs bump each other with their noses or bump against one another with their shoulders to “check in”–like, “hey are we cool?” This is a behavior used in pack settings and denotes communication, hierarchy, and bonding. I looked down and there she was standing at my feet looking up at me expectantly. Her ears where down in submission and she wagged her tail just a little as if to encourage me. I slowly bent down to pet her and she kind of skittered to the side nervously, but she cautiously came right back to me and let me pet her. It was a beautiful moment and I could tell she was really happy to have my attention–and that got my attention.

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All the while with my heart still in a thousand little pieces over our miscarriage, that one check-in turned into a hundred check-ins. It was like peeling back new layers of an onion every week. All the sudden she had preferences, expressing maternal instincts by mothering and cleaning one toy in particular–a little brown moose–and expressing her opinions vocally while playing–like growling and grunting–and even talking to me to get my attention. She started climbing onto the couch between Sam and I in the evenings wanting to be with us. Then she started to get jealous of Sam and I when we would hug or kiss and she would get between us and lay down on both our feet. She started remembering our neighbors and showing favoritism to a select few people she really loved. (She’s in love the with young guy that works at her grooming salon). The first night she rolled over on her back and fell asleep between Sam and I on the couch was triumphant. She started using her paws and talking to me when she wanted my attention. Her vivacious, spunky, and sweet personality blossomed and split wide open every single day. By Christmas, almost nine months had passed and my parents were shocked by how much she had changed. She wasn’t even the same dog anymore.

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Sam and I knew that providing a loving, stable home with healthy boundaries was important for any pet or child, but I don’t think we realized how healing and transformative it could be–at least I didn’t. We didn’t do anything magical or ground breaking in the way of dog psychotherapy, we just loved her, emphasized communication, and set healthy boundaries. She became the dog she was always supposed to be–the dog hidden beneath all the trauma. And honestly, I felt so blessed to experience and be a part of Lemon’s healing. She is not the hero of my story to be sure, but it got me thinking that if it could be this rewarding(note I didn’t say easy) to adopt a neglected dog how amazing could it be to adopt a neglected child?

Fast forward to the spring of 2017. Even before we got pregnant the previous year we had been “talking” about fostering to adopt. It had always been something we were open to and willing to consider. Foster care was not how we wanted to grow a family–we wanted to grow our family like most people get to; biologically. But I had never ruled it out. For several months we considered setting aside having children forever for a while. And we prayerfully kicked around whether or not we wanted to commit to a different path for growing our family. Sam has always been open to adoption through foster care. Honestly, if we had the money and a house big enough Sam would probably just pull up to the Upbring office in a big school bus and cram as many children on it as possible. I love children too, but I wasn’t sure I could handle all the struggles that come along with fostering to adopt. But this new experience with Lemon beat across the rhythm of my heart like a harmony to my melody. I began to seek God about pursuing adoption through foster care.

Lemon Scottie Foster Care Journey Maegan Johnson 6

I studied the topic of adoption and orphans in the Bible for months. I also spent (unsuccessful) hours looking for books or devotionals to read from a Christian perspective on foster care (but that’s a whole other blog post). Along the way I began to see the gospel story in a new light. Adoption IS the story of Bible–it’s the story of Christianity. I had always known that adoption is the story of the Gospel, but I didn’t really understand until Lemon came into our life. I’ll save the semantics for another post, but it dawned on me that what I was feeling–the pride, the humility, the joy, the awe, the love, the passion, the devotion for Lemon was what God feels for me as His child. Like Lemon, I too am broken, and traumatized, and to some a lost cause, but God sees me as worth the trouble. His love says; YES, I CHOOSE YOU and I don’t care how bad your trauma is or how far down the road I have to walk to get to you–I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU. That is the story of the Gospel. Isn’t that beautiful? I found myself thinking on Lemon and I’s relationship about how every time she cast us off and blatantly misbehaved I was more and more motivated to prove to her that I had chosen her and I wasn’t going to give up.

All the while, in my anguish and tears over losing my own child, I became grief-stricken at the thought of never getting to be a mother and raise my own children. As I began to examine God’s design for humanity and God’s sacrifice of His own biological Son for me–a gentile, an orphan–a weighty question was laid before me; did I want to be a parent or did I just want to birth my own baby? That was a scary question. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with wanting to birth my own child, or mourning the loss of my baby–that’s very healthy, and natural, and God designed. But, if I really wanted to be a “mom” and a “parent” did that hinge on me birthing a child from my own body? According to the Gospel of Christ it doesn’t. This was more than a revelation to me; it was permission to hope and dream.

John 1:12-13 says, ” 12 But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name, 13 who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God. ” NASB

Roman’s 8:15 says, “15 For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!”.” NASB

If adoption is good enough for God–if he sees me as his legitimate child through adoption–then shouldn’t it good enough for me too?

As this new revelation grew wild in my heart, Mother’s Day 2017 rolled around and our very good friends, Ash and Patty Wright were featured on an Austin news station celebrating Patty’s first Mother’s Day with their son. Ash and Patty had been fostering for almost two years and were coming up on their one year adoption anniversary with their six year old son, Nathan. They were so excited and I new that it meant so so much to Patty and Ash to reach this milestone with their own child. As I watched the news piece on my iPhone I was brought to my knees. It was the joy in Patty’s eyes and the love and fulfillment in her and Ash’s expressions; Nathan’s joy, laughter, and appreciation for these two strangers who chose him and asked him to be their son and where now his forever mom and dad that moved me to sobbing tears. Sitting in a stall at Sonic I cried buckets of beautiful, redemptive tears. My broken, childless heart melted into a puddle of joy. I looked at them and saw a family. I didn’t see foster-care; I didn’t see trauma; I didn’t see an ugly disaster–I saw love, I saw redemption, I saw hope.

I am so blessed that when I looked at Sam that day and said I wanted to commit to fostering to adopt he totally embraced the idea 110%. I think he was patiently waiting for me. The very next day we called the Upbring office to find out how one even gets started fostering to adopt.(Follow this link for a Step by Step Licensing Guide) I actually wanted to call that Sunday on Mother’s Day but they were closed. lol. We attended Upbring’s orientation a few weeks later and I remember sitting, thinking to myself, “What are you doing here? Have you lost your mind?” But in my spirit I felt this steadfast peace that we were doing the right thing. Sam and I got in the car afterwards and we just looked at each other and smiled. Sam started the car and said, “Well, this logically seems like one of the riskiest and craziest things we have ever done, but it feels right.” I couldn’t have agreed more. It did feel crazy, but it just felt perfectly right. So September 2017 we began our three-month journey to obtain our foster care certification. As I write this post, we are one home study approval and one licensing appointment away from our foster to adopt certification! We are hopefully expecting our first placement by the New Year and we cannot be more excited!!!!

I don’t understand God’s plan most of the time. Why does he allow the ones we love to die? And why has he left us childless after so many years? I do know that if Lemon had never come into our life I’m not sure I would have ever had the confidence, courage, or conviction to pursue foster care. I don’t understand why we lost our baby and I don’t expect I ever will, but if my baby left to lay in the arms of Jesus so that I would outstretch my arms and my heart to an unloved, unwanted, neglected child–even if it’s only for a moment–I believe it wasn’t all for nothing. I believe there is still hope. Love is what will make me a mother. And I believe that love is what makes a family.

Maegan